Flower and Sugar

I came to a decision today, which only part of me wanted. I don't know who decided that the composition of women would involve more obvious displays of sensitive emotion but whomever it was, I hate you. 2011 is going to be better. I cut a tie that probably shouldn't have rewoven itself over the Holidays but did as many others do when filled with Christmas cheer. You become blinded with the sensation of love and giving that second chances to thoughts buried long ago seem to come alive again. My self defense put its foot down and said no to the indulgent tendency I had developed, it was starting to reattach itself to a forgotten notion that should remain forgotten. Self control is such a bitch, and pair that with an over analytical mind and soft spot for douchebaggery and its quite the unfortunate combination. This new years was lovely because of the people I was with and I enjoyed them to their fullest. Everything else was ragingly mediocre. I broke into my own house drunkenly once I figured out that I didn't have keys. That was a high point.

I find myself saying "I don't know" really often. Its like my mantra when I'm trying to define a feeling and I'm too much of a mess to come to a conclusion. I'm constantly trying to do that. Put a period or give an answer to a lot of what I experience. It can be counterproductive a lot of the time because I get upset when I can't describe what I'm feeling in a concise sentence. I like to pin point. So anyway, I figured that I was too vulnerable while staying in contact with, just guess, and I decided that that clearly said something and that it should just end until I know what I want. Although, I'm close to what I really want which is to put it all behind me and move on completely. But it's a little easier said then done when you have cared for someone like that. Friends one day maybe. Whatever its erroneous. It's weird once I dance around like this and write it all out, saying but not really saying how I feel. I kinda forget about it.

I decided that 2011 will be smoke free for goodsies. Which will prove to be challenging but one day down! 364 more to go. Awesome. We went to Barrymores last night, quite impressed with the inside, reminded me of the venue where we used to organize our semi formals in high school. I froze the goat cheese I brought home from Toronto by accident- now I'm scared to eat it. I have half a bottle of Grey Goose left from last night, its going towards the party we are throwing on Saturday for J and D's birthday. B leaves so soon and its awful. I didn't even realize how much I had been through with her this past year and now looking back its hard to believe I'm starting this one without her. 2010 was ridiculous. I lived off campus with four housemates for the first time, threw our first house parties, learnt how to decorate, had a relationship, lost one of my favorite relatives, found a lump, got broken up with, lived a summer in Ottawa, experienced no air conditioning, re-started a relationship, learnt how to ruin a relationship, started art classes, mutually ended a relationship, grew half an inch, got hit by a car, got a new phone, finally put a hole in my favorite boots, and figured out some key qualities that I want in someone. There are bits and pieces missing. But it was quite the ride. I wanna leave all of it in the past for the most part.

I never realized until recently how much my best friend C means to me. I've know her since I was 2 and we have been close for that long but lately I feel more of a bond to her than usual. She seems to really understand what I'm going through a lot of the time, and she had great advice. We really feed off each other. I miss her. Its funny how you can know a person so well that sometimes they don't even have to say whats going on out loud. You just know. The little things, you feel like you know the way their mind works. Although, assuming to a certain degree can also not be great. I'm rambling, and going to experiment with goat cheese.