Rat

What is this race we are all a part of? This goal of partnership and a life full and long of happiness fulfilled and maintained by another individual. I just watched An Education and it got me thinking on a few levels. About these life dreams and aspirations we all have. And furthermore the weight put on them by ourselves spawned by the pressure from our parents, teachers, friends, TV, magazines, self help books you name it. Before I go all deep political on your asses just try and think about where you see yourself in twenty years and why you wanna be there and not somewhere else. Why not somewhere completely different. Why here? Maybe you don’t wanna be here you wanna end up somewhere else. So why? Where do we get our direction from, who tells us that this four year degree and MA to be completed is part of a plan to get us where “we want to be one day”. When did spending thousands of dollars become the status quo and one way ticket to a brighter future. I hope that all those poor souls out there can even see the light after they have dug themselves half way to hell with debt.

I am one of the lucky. Most definitely. My family supported my education and for that I am grateful. Although not grateful enough apparently seeing as I fuck off a lot of the time instead of going to class, doing readings, or any studying for that matter. See I didn’t know it was going to be like this when I signed up for University. I didn’t know that my passion wasn’t communications. I didn’t know that my dream of being a curator would only pull in enough to pay the bills and not much else. I didn’t know that I would get used to the student life and never want to grow up. I thought I would get a job right out of University. I thought they would be lining up begging me to share with them my new found knowledge of public relations and the wonders that it and I could do for gallery, all casually backed up with my extensive art history knowledge and exquisite taste for art no less.

Its not to say that won’t happen. But I’ll be one of the luckier if it does. Chances of that...we won’t go there. So get decent grades in University, get the degree move back to Toronto, can only tolerate my parents at a far, spend my life savings on renting somewhere to live and work like a dog rack up some more dough and over the courses of two years complete the MA needed to even be looked at by a gallery and officially be crowned an art snob. Priceless. Priceless or pricey really I suppose when you look at the tuition for U of T. And so the race for education is completed, next on the docket: a partner. Ah, yes. If I could even for a second understand why people use other people to validate their existence with relationships I would be very pleased. Am I saying I’m anti relationships? Of course not. I understand the perks of consistence sex as much as the next person. Kidding. Yes, the deep passionate feelings of course of course. Kidding again. I’m not a relationship guru, I’ve had my share of this and that and whatever. Personally, I don’t really care how many relationships you’ve been in, I don’t think it makes you any more savvy than a 5th grader. If anything that kid may have it better because they are yet to be tangled up in the complex understanding of being happy, making yourself, making someone else happy.

Essentially they all become integrated, but a wise friend of mine has still pointed out the most legitimate point I have ever heard when it comes to listening to bull shit about relationships: you can’t be happy with someone, until you make yourself happy. One more time, ready? You can’t be happy with someone, until you make yourself happy. Know why? You know I’m going to pretentiously ramble on about it anyway so don’t bother dwelling yet. Relying on someone to make you happy is the worst thing you can do. The emphasis that you place on having that one soul in your life can be a very fragile thing. Separate lives are important. To have someone there, yes totally comforting and an amazing feeling. To feel that attraction and bond to someone who becomes a best friend and love, also irreplaceable and completely a human condition just to want to be cared for and to care. But to attach yourself at the hip, never look back and run with the dude? Now you’re twisted.

I’m not bitter, I’m realistically trying to play out the importance of what it means to make yourself happy and at the end of the day love the one you’re with but depend on you. Extra support, extra love, extra fun, not having to get yourself off: all awesome. But if you’re out there looking for love all the time, doesn’t that say something? Maybe yes and maybe no. I haven’t figured that out myself because I’m on the fence and have totally been in both boats. On one hand you could argue that no one wants to be alone forever, yes. To share a life with someone would be a beautiful thing, love someone till you die, hold each other, the Notebook essentially. Not mad. But there is something about that hunt that seems to make me itch. Serial daters. You don’t know what it’s like to be without someone. Are these people secretly nymphomaniacs? Ragingly insecure? Or is there nothing wrong with it? I couldn’t tell you personally of course.

The race is to get a degree, get a job, get a partner, settle down, have the grandkids your parents always wanted, and then peace the fuck out life, retire, turn 80 move to Florida and work on your tan. Maybe that satisfy some people. Personally I don’t think my 80 year old bod will suit a bikini. I think what is important to keep in mind is that you never really know what kind of cards life is going to hand you. And to try and obsessively pre plan how it’s going to work out can be a problem when things go wrong and that perfect world in your head doesn’t fall into place. If society was more encourage to go with the flow and fulfill personal satisfaction I think we may have a less aggressive rush hour and a lot more happy people. I look at a cousin of mine in her late 20s early 30s, all her friends (except for a few) are married off and have one or two kids already. How do you think that makes her feel? Tell me there isn’t some pressure on her to settle down. But why should there be? She is in Malta doing med school, being single, enjoying herself and overall is a happy person. Then why are her peers looking at her like she’s the one missing out? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Should there not be envy that she is following her dream, in Europe, being fabulous? Or at least mutual respect. In stead she, and many others I'm sure, are made to feel like they are falling behind in the game of life.

The emphasis put on “the dream” is unrealistic in my books. Fall in love, there’s nothing like it. Go to school, its not often in your life that you can indulge your brain in education, if that's your thing. Be employed, because you have to be responsible and stop being the monkey on your parents back. But anything past those three points I think is completely up for debate. I think it’s completely up to you. It’s up to me. I don’t think there should be any guidelines or direction. Let happiness guide you. Cause I’m Buddha apparently. Kidding. All I’ll finish with is that personal happiness- scratch that: personal satisfaction is underrated, don’t look for it in anything or anyone else besides yourself.