Isn't it funny how much you can over think something? The most trivial things turn into fairy tales where everything is trying to screw you over and the worst case scenario is your not-so-happy ending. I don't understand why the mind naturally allows us to do it. If there is some form of tweek that human kind really could have benefited from it would have been being level headed. I was going to say optimistic but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. That and it wouldn't be great to have a positive outlook on everything only to but shut down one too many times when reality deals a bad hand.
I feel like my spirit is broken. I'm just so 'blah' that I feel like my leash is completely slacked and if been aimlessly wandering the park sniffing around forever. Worst case scenario is my middle name at moment. I don't get it because I used to be able to keep an open mind about situations and just ride the wave until it hit the tide when I had to react. Its like I've been trying to pull myself out of black hole. OK, like how depressing does that sound? I'm really aimless people I'm serious I feel like I'm wearing a costume walking around in broad daylight, no one realizes cause it looks just like me but its not my own skin. It's suffocating and they don't make costumes like they used to, its all synthetic now.
I guess smoking doesn't help but with 2011 that nasty habit (oh sure) will be ushered out the door along with some other things I hope to change. It's funny how people look to the start of new year as "I'm really going to start..." or "From now on this will change..." but really you could be making a change in your life whenever you wanted. I guess from my last post one may sense I little pent up frustration or anger per-say. I'm just tired of playing the awkward game that I find myself in biweekly that is communicating with a certain individual. It's probably not who you're thinking. Or maybe it is. But anyway, its just frustrating because if things were normal and just relaxed then maybe I wouldn't be upset by overwhelming and probably untrue thoughts that waste a day. Or maybe all the negative thoughts are true- then what? Then I'm right I guess. Doesn't really prepare me any more than thinking positively will. I could say "I told you so" at the end but society tells us that talking to yourself is crazy. A point which I think I could argue.
All I'm getting at is that while New Years is the modern day clean slate, I'll run with it and make a few promises that I will do my up most to keep. Firstly, realizing what I'm worth. A conceded thought that many women are too cautious of considering, myself included. By why the fuck not? I mean your girlfriends will tell you you look amazing, your family will always love you, and if you show enough cleav when you go out some guys may too. But what is that worth? What is worth to only believe what other tell you- and even better- to only listen to what others tell you. Why not just hear yourself out? Tell me you don't look in the mirror and feel good about certain aspects of yourself, hell maybe all of you. So then why not just trust in that feeling and roll with it? It's an impossible task for some reason but building confidence and realizing what I have to offer is a priority for me.
Other than that, smoking yes, Facebooking less probably, more gym another kick boxing class mhmm, and I was going to throw something on there about a certain failed past relationship and ignoring its occasional looming post effects and technicalities but I am just so exhausted by the very thought of it that I rather throw a general "Fuck you" in that direction and be peacefully out of touch with it all. I spent too much of this semester trying to decipher how I felt, what was going on, and the rules to what was to come but it turns out I don't want wrinkles at thirty and sometimes you just have to let it be, and be on your way. One thing for sure, you think you know a person- until you break up- and then you really know a person. I'm saying everything without saying anything. I should also be studying for my Inuit art exam tomorrow. C'est La Vie.
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