Just before I go to bed. Because tomorrow will be a day of hell, school from 11 AM to 9 PM. Library, work, and class all included. This weekend was weird it was really belligerent much like my past month and a half. I seem to be going hard lately when it comes to partying, and its way more excessive then it has to be. I just seem to get way too fucked up. Actions speak louder then words. Deep I know. But really, I'm starting to think I need to chill out because my body is not pleased and full day hang-overs are getting a little old.
I also have a major spending issue too. Why. For the love of God why did I think it would be a good idea to get a Visa. Its like candy. Or crack. I don't even take my debit with me anymore. I have it under control, and I know I have enough to pay it off when doomsday comes. But I'm starting to worry that this new found love will escalate into a problem. Let's hope not. That was a momentous day. I went to the bank opened up a savings account and then signed up for a Visa. Ironic, no?
So I've been a little compulsive lately. Nothing wrong with that. But I think I've done enough damage and its time to chill and start dealing with the mess. AKA less reckless partying more studying, no more hang overs so I can start catching up on my homework, no more money spending (starting after my sugaring appointment tomorrow of course) (oh, and after I pick up Kanye West's new album) (...see my problem?) so that I can avoid catastrophic money troubles, and go to the gym more now that I figured out that my knee can handle it (ish).
So last night I was the girl that was on top of everything, getting down low with everyone, hitting on anyone, falling everywhere, with who knows who's hands all over me. And a lot of mixing. Like beer, tequila, amaretto, whiskey, jello shots. It was a rough night. I think there are some underlying motives to my madness. Like maybe I just want to get fucked up and forget certain aspects of my life that I am doing an excellent job of ignoring. Not healthy by any means. But I kinda realized today while having coffee with one of my friends, that I'm not really over some emotional turmoil that has been sitting with me for months now. It's natural I suppose, but as we sat there and talked about life and relationships, I almost cried just talking about some of my experiences and what I've learnt.
Totally lying I cried.
But it wasn't like I was paining over it and still mourning the situation but it was more like looking back with a new mind set is scary. Realizing that you are moving on from a situation can be equally as hard as when it first ends. Its hard to see that I'm moving on, and like forgetting, but obviously not really forgetting, what am I trying to say, detaching. There you go: detaching. Letting go is not easy I suppose, and it seems to be quite the process.
Distraction is very good and I'm all for it, but I do think that maybe I can be a little more constructive and less abusive. I'll work on it this week and try and make it through to Friday alive. Two colossal essays and another weekend wasted.
On an up note, my glasses have arrived and are my new favorite daily accessory. A plus, my eyes are terribly relieved to be rid of contacts on a daily basis and I feel like a sexy librarian. I said it.
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