Six Feet Under

I’m sitting in my Italian renaissance course and couldn’t be less in tune with what’s going on. I guess you could say I had an off day yesterday. And being a space cadet is the after effect of a day like yesterday. This is a beautiful cathedral: St. Andrea, Mantua. I guess I’m semi paying attention. I have an itch. To travel, to go, to somewhere literally anywhere but here. My prof just muttered ‘bastards’. Maybe I should pay attention I’m missing a scandalous lecture. Back to what I was saying: traveling. I have a problem, when I get overwhelmed I just want to snap my fingers and turn up in a change of scene. All summer whenever I was having problems in my relationship, or work, or life in general I just used to peace. Go to Toronto, go to Montreal, take a bus to the suburbs, anything, anywhere but where I was.

But what’s going to happen when I’m working after university, have someone I love at home, have bills to pay, people to please, friends to call. What happens when shit gets real, and it gets heavy. I can’t bare that weight. I don’t want to grow up.

Or have I already…? I have a job to show up to, classes to attend, four people I love at home, bills to pay, professors to please, and friends that call. I never really put it in perspective like that.

Baptistery doors. The mind is a funny thing. You can run laps around your self and go crazy trying to get a grip on what your chasing after. Everyone, myself included, tries to pin point an emotion. Tries to figure out how they feel. When did we lose sight of letting it be? The line I posted below is so true. Everything in the past seems amazing and everything in the future seems scary. Or at least I suffer from that mentality. I look back on my second year and I smile to myself at all the great memories I made. I think about future and I get overwhelmed by the stability to come. I suppose the trick is to enjoy the present to the fullest so you can look back and smile and anticipate the future so that you can eventually be happy. My prof just said orgasm, really what am I missing right now?

The key, I think is to roll with the punches, try not to dwell, and constantly move forward towards the future and whatever it may hold.

Sounds exciting. I’ll be in Europe if you need me.